Jasper's Diary
by ManicImagination94
Summary: Jasper keeps a diary and gets up to a lot of mischief. Lots of different situations revolving around madness.
1. Esme's Window

OK so a friend (Fran-Marie-Cullen-1918) and me came up with the idea to do something funny for you guys. And we came up with… JASPER'S DIARY! Hope you enjoy it!

**Oh and I do not own any of the Twilight characters. I wish! No, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just made them speak my language (madness mwahahahah).**

_Dear Diary, today Esme cleaned her windows. You can barely see them now! And I have a plan…_

***

I entered the room and found Esme looking like she was wiping the air with a rag.

"Wotcha doooooin'?" I asked in my singsong voice.

"Cleeeaning my wiiiindows." Esme sang back at me.

"No way dudette! There are no windows there." And I proved my point by walking towards her and banging my head on the window leaving a tiny smudge where the skin had touched it.

"NO!" Esme yelled and began hysterically trying to clean the mark off the window. A window had beaten me? No! King Jazz-Hands is not supposed to fall until 2012 along with the rest of the world! "Why is it not coming off?" She yelled in frustration.

"Because I have the magical abilities to create indestructible smudge marks." I said grinning from ear to ear. Literally.

"Or, you know," Alice said upon entering the room, "YOU'RE CLEANING THE WRONG SIDE!" I frowned. She had totally just peed on my rainbow.

"Oh! Of course!" And she went to walk around the glass to clean my smudge off but walked into it herself. "NO!" She fumbled with her rag and new cleaning liquid. "NO!" She screamed again, "I'm out of _Windolene_!" Esme dropped her rag and the empty bottle and ran for the forest.

Alice walked across the room and picked up Esme's bag and went to the door. Not a minute later did Esme come back, snatched the bag out of Alice's hand, paused to slap her head, and ran off into the forest again.

"You're plan's not going to work, you know, Jasper." Alice said once Esme was out of sight.

I sighed. How many times? "It's _King Jazz-Hands_ Alice! You ought to know that by now!"

"Whatever." She dismissed my complaint with a wave of her hand. "I just thought you'd like to know it wouldn't work."

"How do you even know I was…oh right. You're – " I made air quotations " – psychic." Hold on, so she puts on a long purple sparkly gown, finds a crystal ball and a round table, puts up some scented candles and all of a sudden she's 'psychic'. Yeah, and I went to the museum yesterday and now I'm a dinosaur. Grr.

I would make a good dinosaur… maybe I could be purple… and green, but not ugly and weird like that talking dinosaur… Barney or whatever his name is. Dinosaurs are supposed to be _scary_ and all that dude does is sing!

Five minutes later

I think I'd rather be a T-Rex and have teensy little arms and if any one makes fun of me I'll… tickle them. Maybe I could chase Scooby Doo up a mountain whilst they're searching for _Scooby Snacks._ The Zebra God knows I love that movie. It's the best…

"Jasper!"

"Huh?"

"Have you even taken in a word I've just said?" The little pixie yelled.

"Yessums?"

"No you haven't!" She screamed and stalked out of the room.

Who was she to know that my plan would not work? Of course it would!

It was _my _plan!

Using my vampire super special hearing, I could hear tyres pulling into the garage and two sets of feet making their way towards the house. Edward was home… with Bella. I grinned evilly. My mastermind plan was about to begin._Keep your mind closed, young Jedi, and Edward won't suspect a thing. May the force be with you. _I mentally bowed to my master Yoda.

Edward and Bella made their way into the house and sat on the sofa. They really had no idea! Alice didn't know what she was talking about.

I silently made my way around the glass window trying my hardest not to bump into it. I stood on the other side of the glass and started to tease Bella.

"Hey Bella?"

"Yes?" She answered.

"Does it ever feel sad knowing that even though Edward loves you, he's not gonna change you into a vampire and let you live with him forever?"

Her face fell into a frown and her eyes started to leak water. She _needed_ to get those pipes fixed.

"Jasper!" Edward growled warningly, draping an arm around Bella.

"Whatever dude. You do know this makes you the meanest person in the world, right? I mean, you're taking the one thing she wants away from her, and you want it too but you're not going to – "

I broke off because he started charging at me. I put on my dramatic horror-struck face I had been practicing at school (hand covering the mouth and _everything_) and…

He ran into the window making it smash into a million, billion, zillion pieces.

"Jasper! This is your fault!" Edward growled at me, not taking his eyes off the glass shards.

"Is not! You're the one that broke the glass! Not me!"

"Your fault!"

"Not!"

"Your fault!"

"Not!"

Ten minutes and a tumbleweed later

"Your fault!"

"Not!"

"BOYS!" Some one yelled. We looked simultaneously (wow big word for King Jazz-Hands!) at the door and saw Esme looking horror stricken and, well, basically, if she could she probably would have killed herself. "WHO DID THIS?" She roared.

"He did!" Both Edward and me said at the same time. "Me? Did not!"

"ENOUGH!" Esme had run to the broken glass window and started to fake cry. "_Both_ of you are grounded! You're _both_ going to pay for the window to be replaced! And you're _both_ going to clean it when it's fixed!"

Edward and me made identical masks of horror.

"But mommy! You can't ground me! I have plans to watch Bella sleep tonight!" Edward moaned.

"Yeah! And I have – "

"I DON'T CARE!"

Alice entered the room, "I told you it wasn't going to work." She said smugly.

***

_Which incidentally didn't turn out as planned. Dammit._

_Love you lots,_

_King Jazz-Hands_

**What did you think? Good? Bad? Let me know! I have more ideas so if you like this I will update more for you ;) Review please :D**


	2. New Nickname

Sorry it took so long to update, I've been busy with school and exams and stuff. I do not own any of the characters, Stephenie Meyer does, and I just decided to mess with their mental health :D Oh, and Fran-Marie-Cullen-1918 helped me write some of this so I can't take full credit. Check out her stories, I recommend 'Pranking The Cullens'

_Dear Diary,_

_ Today, I've decided to come up with a new nickname. I'm just not a big fan of 'Jazz-Hands' any more. But I can't come up with anything. Time to ask the family? I think so._

_Lots of love, _

'_Yet-To-Be-Named'_

I walked into my living room. No one was there. Fantastic. Yeah, sarcasm doesn't quite work without a voice. Never mind. I went to round them up, quite literally. I stuck on my cowboy outfit, grabbed my rope and went to get them. I managed to drag Esme, Carlisle, Alice and Rosalie downstairs pretty easily. Emmett was another story. A _long_ story. Lets just say that when he was finished with me, I was tied to a tree with my own rope with my pants around my ankles. It took me a while to try and break free. It wasn't until Esme reminded me, "Sweetie, why don't you use your teeth?", that I remembered the vampire teeth.

When I was finally free again, I ran to Bella's house to round up the two love-birds (Bella really lucked-out that her name was an actual bird). I jumped through Bella's bedroom window and, to save your innocence, I'll just say that they were frolicking. They weren't kissing…. crap, I kinda gave it away. Anyhoos, I tied them up with my new rope and jumped out of the window. Later on, we got back to the Cullen shizzle and everyone was there. Time to get to business.

"Right so, I think we all know why I brought you here today". I said, taking centre stage.

"Not really." Simple old Bella said. Idiot. Edward growled at me. Jeez, what was his problem? Oh…undiscussable-Rated-15-Problems, right. We all knew he was gay with a multiple personality disorder.

"Well I'm here to create a genie by rubbing this lamp! Oh, no, wait…that's not for another couple of chapters." I silently deliberated until Einstein, the smartest zebra, told me why we were all here. "Oh yes!" Thank you Einstein. "I am here to ask you to come up with a new, cool nickname for me."

"How about 'Pants-Ankles'?" Emmett suggested.

"Huh?" He didn't answer, he just pointed and I realized that my pants were still down. Thought I felt a draft! Alice began to stare…and drool. Eew! Disgusting! I pulled them up quickly before she started chasing her imaginary tail. I knew that Jacob was a bad influence! "No, not 'Pants-Ankles'. As cool as that sounds, I think people might get the wrong idea."

"How about 'Emotional Perve'?" Edward suggested through a spasm of giggles.

"Cool, but only if I can call you 'Mind Rapist'. We could be the next Batman and Robin, only it would be 'Perve and Rapist'!" I loved the sound of this!

"And you don't think people would get the wrong idea from that?" Edward said. "And how come I'm second? I'm not being Robin! No way! He's gay!"

"So are you!"

"Am not!"

"It was my idea!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was NOT!"

"BOYS!" Esme yelled when Edward had hold of my underwear, ready to give me a wedgie.

"Sorry mommy." We said at the same time. "JYNX!" We said at the same time again. Edward let go of my underwear to give me a high-five.

"Anyway, maybe not 'Emotional Perve'. I think it sends off to many bad vibes, after all this is a T rated fic, I don't want any of those scary M rated themes in this!" I said while shaking my finger at Emmett who was trying to hold in a rude comment.

"How about 'We Don't Care'?" Bella suggested whilst giving me an evil glare. I gave her an evil glare back, and it soon turned into a stare off. Stupid Eddy boy jumped in front of Bella and pushed me back against the window.

"What was that for?!" I shouted at Edward, while brushing the broken glass off of myself. _Maybe I'll destroy his CD collection later_, I though evilly.

"You were going to eat her!" Edward accused me. I gasped. King Jazzy would never kill a loyal subject…then again she was quite annoying.

"BOYS MY WINDOW AGAIN!" I gulped and ran into the forest. Oh no. King Jazzy would just have to ask the woodland creatures for advice on a nickname.

_Dear Diary, _

_ Today, I tried to find a new nickname, it just didn't turn out very well. First I got tied to a tree (and lets just say this one branch was real friendly), second I nearly got a cringe worthy wedgie and third I broke Esme's window again. So I think I'll just stay here with the squirrels._

_Toodles (cool wave), _

_Jazzy Schprinkles xx_

So what do you guys think? Review ;)


	3. Pranking Alice

_Dear Diary,_

_ Today I felt like being a little mischievous. Toward Alice saying as it's so hard to trick her because of her 'psychic' abilities… but I can't think of how to do that without her catching me. OH! I GOT IT!_

I knew what I wanted to do and now I just had to put it into motion. I just had to find an appropriate, willing accomplice. Who would be willing to play a trick on a dangerous vampire for fun? JACOB!

I walked into the living room of the Cullen shizzle, "Bella?" I asked in my bestest singsong voice.

"Uh-oh. What do you want?"

"Oh my God! How did you know I wanted something? Are you psychic, too?"

"I'm not – "

"Wow! This is huge news!" How could she not have told anyone?

"But I'm not – "

"Does Edward know?"

"I'M NOT PSYCHIC!" She exploded.

"Whatevs. Can I borrow you're mobile pleases?" I asked in my singsong voice again.

"Why?" Her eyes narrowed and her head tilted to the side.

"Just please?"

"Fine. But what is it not?"

"An object to order real Chinese food from China." I recited.

"And what else is it not?"

"An object to flush down the toilet."

"Very good." She complimented and handed me the phone.

"Thankin' yous!" I yelled. "Oh, is Alice in?" I asked. This plan probably wouldn't work if she were in the house.

"No she went shopping in Seattle."

"Thankin' yous!" I yelled as I ran out of the room into the kitchen.

I flipped open her phone and scrolled down until I came across Jacob's name. I called the number and it rang three times and he picked up.

"Hey sweetums!" Jacob chorused.

"Hey dumpling!" I sang back.

"Who's this? Bella?"

"Nopey nope. Tis Jazzy Schprinkles."

"Who?"

I sighed "Emotional Perve."

"Oh, hi Jasper!" Jacob said. "What's up?"

"Would you be willing to prank one of the all-time dangerous beings on this Earth for kicks and then run away as fast as you could and eat sprinkled jam donuts?" I inquired professionally.

"Dude I don't know." He wavered. "Jam donuts aren't very nice with sprinkles on them… if you take off the sprinkles then I'm in."

"Sure thing." I agreed. "So here's what I need you to do…" I quickly ran off in list form what I needed him to do. "So you'll do it?"

"Yesh! I'll be there in ten minutes!" And he hung up. I closed the phone and walked back into the living room.

"Here you go Bella-Bell-Bells." I handed her the pretty pink phone back.

"I thought I told you not to call me that!"

"Hmm… I guess I just chose not to remember that one."

She sighed.

Later…

"I can't believe we're doing this!" Jacob yelled as he grabbed the spray paint.

"I know! But we have to be quick. She might be back soon." I said.

"Okay, okay, can we start now?!" Jacob was bouncing up and down on the spot now with energy. Fantabulous.

"Yep! Come on pupsicle." Jacob followed me to the garage, skipping merrily.

Later on again…

Jacob, Bella and I were sitting on the sofas in the living room all pretending to be reading different things when a very angry Alice stormed into the room. "WHO PAINTED ON MY CAR?!"

"What ever do you mean Alice?" I asked innocently.

"WHO PAINTED 'CAPTAIN MIDGET' ON MY PORSCHE?!"

Jacob and I turned to look at each other in the eye and nodded at each other once.

"RUN!" I yelled and we took off, Jacob knocking the new window that Esme was just about to put in the frame out of her hands and it crashed to the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" She screamed and fell to her knees 'crying' out her eyes. "YOU MEANIE!"

We managed to loose Alice at the Canadian border, which is when I pulled out two cans and a box of jam donuts… unsprinkled as promised. Jacob took three and a can of coke and relaxed into a cross-legged position on the floor. I joined him.

"Dude, we should totally hang out more often." Jacob said, touching his can of coke to my can of haemoglobin-free blood.

_Dear Diary,_

_ Today I managed to get Jacob paint 'Captain Midget' on Alice's Porsche. I think it's safe to say she didn't see that one coming. Mwahahahah!_

_ Laters,_

_ Jazzy Schprinkles xx_

Not my best chapter in my opinion but let me know what you thought :D

**R~E~V~I~E~W~!**


	4. Leaf Man

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while :( I've been very busy with school (final GCSE exams). This was an idea me and my friends had and we all hope you enjoy it :D**

_Dear Diary,  
Today, I decided to become a superhero! Not one of those stupid superheroes like Superman. No, I'm going to make my own superhero. Named 'Leaf Man'. Wish me luck!  
Lots of love,  
Jazzy Schprinkles xx_

"Hey Emmett!" I yelled. "You wanna help me design my new superhero?" I asked bouncing up and down on a pogo stick.

"Hell yeah!" Emmett roared. "Have you got a name for her – I mean him?"

"Leaf Man!" Dum da daaaaaaa!

Emmett hesitated, "Don't you think that's a little stupid and... homosexual?"

"Homosexual?"

"Well I can't say gay can I?"

"Heh heh heh, you just did" I announced beaming at him.

"Whatever."

I sighed, "Look, Bear Man, I don't care what you think about the name, I just want you to help me design the costume and stuff!"

Emmett sighed and then giggled, "How about giant leaves covering your body?"

"Cool!" I couldn't believe I'd never thought of it myself. It was so obvious! Emmett looked at me dubiously but otherwise said nothing. "Thanks Em!"

I left the room and went into the forest with a bin bag to put the giant leaves into and a couple of pellet guns to help keep the rabid squirrels from attacking me. I didn't want to go through the whole 'looking-like-I'd-ate-too-much-whipped-cream' phase again.

I returned to Casa de Cullen half an hour later with a bag full of giant leaves and got to work on my costume.

**Later On...**

I entered Emmett's room wearing my costume, singing my glorious theme tune (da da da da, da da da da, LEAF MAN!). "What do you think?" I asked.

"Well...no offense...but it looks easily destructible." Emmett stated.

"Easily destructible? EASILY DESTRUCTABLE?" I exploded.

"Yes," Emmett jumped up. "As in moi, your arch nemesis can easily destroy you!" He yelled.

"Arch nemesis?" I gasped, "What's your name?"

"Leaf Blower Man!" Emmett yelled and pulled out a giant leaf blower from behind his back.

"Oh bullpoopie."

**Yeah, I know it's much shorter than the rest of the chapters but this is just the first part. Review and you shall be rewarded with the second part :D**

**~~REVIEW~PLEASE~~**


	5. Leaf Man Part 2

_**Previously...**_

"_Yes," Emmett jumped up. "As in moi, your arch nemesis can easily destroy you!" He yelled._

"_Arch nemesis?" I gasped, "What's your name?"_

"_Leaf Blower Man!" Emmett yelled and pulled out a giant leaf blower from behind his back._

"_Oh bullpoopie."_

Leaf Blower Man started his leaf blower's engine and suddenly the room was full of noise and wind.

"Scared yet, Leaf Man?" Leaf Blower Man taunted.

"Honestly? I think I just peed in my costume..." I said.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Leaf Blower Man shouted evilly and pointed his weapon directly at my chest. "Prepare to feel a draft Leaf Man!"

He started his machine and amazingly, he was right. I did feel a draft. _Everywhere._

"Noooo!" I screamed. Leaves were flying everywhere, creating a tornado around me. "You will pay for this Leaf Blower Man!" I ran from the room, grasping leaves to cover areas of my body that had suddenly become exposed.

_Damn, _I thought, _I need to think of some way to defeat Leaf Blower Man... some way that I will be superior and defeat the evil workings of my nemesis._

Planning time!

Should I destroy his wind-making machine, or should I create a new costume?

No way would I ever be able to get to his wind machine. It would be heavily guarded by rabid bats... I didn't really like the idea of that for I had recently watched _Kujo_ and learnt my lesson. But then again, if I did get bitten by the rabid bat, I could gain more super human powers. It worked for Spiderman, why not me?

Although, I suppose being bitten by a rabid bat could be worse than a radioactive spider. At least the radioactivity would eventually wear off...the rabies wouldn't.

No. I would leave the wind machine alone.

But if I did get rabies, I could team up with the squirrels...

No. That was definitely not a good idea. Squirrels were mad when they were normal. Throw in rabies and you've got yourself a nuclear bomb.

I sighed. Well, it wasn't so much of a sigh as a test to see how much air I could get out of my lungs. I looked at my watch. Five seconds... ten seconds... feeling dizzy... fifteen seconds... I fainted.

"Eureka! " I yelled an hour later, jumping up from the floor, causing Carlisle to scream like a little girl and put his stethoscope to his chest.

"Jasper! You've killed me! I can't hear my heart!"

"Wooooaaaaaah Doc. Chillax. S'all good. Your heart hasn't beat in over four hundred years, remember?" I patted him on the back.

"WHAT?" Then Carlisle suddenly got up and moved to the corner and proceeded to become an emo.

Anyhoos... "Esme!" I yelled.

**2 hours later and an improved costume later...**

"Ta-da!" I said, twirling in the mirror like a ballerina.

I had to admit, the whole 'taping-the-leaves-on-so-they-won't-fly-off' thing was working so far. Now it was time to see how it would cope against the evil genius that was Leaf Blower Man.

"Oi! Leaf Blower Man! Come out and fight like a real superhero!" I yelled, even though my legs felt like they were made out of jelly. Leaf Blower Man emerged from a room at the end of the corridor and walked slowly towards me looking rather sinister. I started singing the _Jaws _theme song.

Leaf Blower Man proceeded to pull out his windy weapon. "Leaf Man. We meet again."

"I suppose we do, Leaf Blower Man."

He raised his weapon and pointed it to my chest. "Any last words?"

"Yeah, um, cotton wool, pigeon, anemone, flamingo aaaaaaaaaaand... ."

My enemy arched one eyebrow. "What?" He asked after a minute's hesitation.

I shrugged. He blinked a couple of times and then said, "Very well..." and switched on his machine.

The world was once again filled with wind. But there were no flying leaves this time. MY COSTUME HAD WORKED!

Leaf Blower Man was stunned and I used this opportunity to kick his butt.

POW! SMACK! KAZAM! BOOM! SLAM! SMASH! Oops there goes Esme's window again... KAPOWEE!

Leaf Blower Man was defeated. I started a celebratory dance that consisted of two of my favourite moves, the 'put it in the trolley' and 'pull the rope'.

I bowed to my audience of Esme, even though she seemed to be taking more interest in the evidence rather than the result.

"My poor, poor window" She sobbed. "What did it ever do to deserve this kind of treatment? You MONSTERS!" Esme picked up multiple pieces of broken glass and started throwing them at me.

I span on the spot and legged it, screaming like a six year old girl the whole time.

Uh-oh.

**Dear Diary,  
Today, I realised that being a superhero is not as easy as you'd think... but it's sure as hell fun! **

**Lots of love,  
Jazzy Schprinkles xx**


End file.
